I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
