Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
