bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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