Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
