Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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