it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just google imaged poop.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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