She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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