I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
