Cold hands, warm shart.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
