I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
