One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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