bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
