If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
