Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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