Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
