And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
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One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
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You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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