The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
