when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
