There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
