fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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