I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
