im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm sobbing to NWA
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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