she told me i tasted like america
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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