i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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