she was so not down for the gang bang
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
