why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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