oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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