Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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