Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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