I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
