Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
