Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
