another moral hangover. fuck.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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