She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
