If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
