when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
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Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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