Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
