i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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