Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
