so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
