Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
