ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
