some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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