I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
