every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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