omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
