It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
