how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
