took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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