Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
