Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We left the knife in your bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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