I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
