I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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