she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
