I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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